My Extremely Valid Pokemon Strategy – Only Choose The Cute Ones

From the outside, I’m a gross Pokemon megafan. I collect plush toys, games, figures—you name it. Dig a little deeper, and you’ll discover that I don’t know anything about a single one of them. I’m a giant wannabe. I mean, I know the basics like generation and names, but beyond that, I couldn’t tell you who’s weak against what, the best moves to take, and the ideal Pokemon game party composition.

There are too many types, too many items, status effects, ideal stats, etc. I watch my friends spend weeks breeding Pokemon, trying to min-max their party and take them into tournaments. I like RPGs, but as a fake Pokemon fan, I’m only in it for the cute ones. That’s why in every Pokemon game, I only choose the most adorable critters, so in my ideal party of six ‘mons, this is who I’d choose.

#6 – Skitty

Skitty, I don’t know why your name is Skitty. Is it a play on scaredy-cat? Who knows, you’ll always remain an enigma to me because I can’t be bothered to Google it. None of that matters, anyway, you’re an adorable little creature that I took with me everywhere in Pokemon Ruby. I was distraught when my friend insisted I evolve you during my playthrough of Pokemon Black. Delcatty is really cute, but Skitty is way better. Also, sorry to the Delcatty I shelved when I went and got myself another Skitty.

#5 – Furret

Dearest Furret, I adored you and your mini game in Pokemon Stadium 2. I’ve loved actual ferrets since I was a kid, so chasing you down in Pokemon Silver was way more important than ever finding Lugia (who is not cute, but still cool). Even though I was absolutely horrified to find out that you’re nearly six feet tall and not some adorable little thing I can put in my pocket, I still love you.

#4 – Espurr

The first place I went when visiting Tokyo years ago was the Pokemon Center. I found a wall of Espurr merchandise, and without even knowing what this thing was, I bought a phone case and a plushie. My initial impressions of Espurr were “this thing looks like anxiety taken form” and “it’s seconds away from screaming,” which is honestly the most relatable a Pokemon has ever felt. Espurr, you’re the cutest. I love how horrified you look about existing – even though I have no idea what you do outside of that. Are you psychic, fairy, poison? I don’t know, but you can be on my team.

#3 – Mew

Perhaps this is the one that gets me made fun of and is the most predictable, but I freakin’ love Mew. I’ve only watched the anime sporadically since Ash and Pikachu left Kanto, so I have no idea if we ever saw Mew outside of Pokemon The First Movie, but I loved the little creature from that alone. The other day I was taught the difference between Legendary and Mythical Pokemon —something that has apparently existed forever—so I have wrongly (?) been referring to Mew as a Legendary since I was a wee thing. Whatever, Mew is still a legendary cutie, I can’t keep up with all of this.

#2 – Charmander

Charmander was my first love. I once cried while watching my cousin hit Charmander in the head with apples in Pokemon Snap because I’m that emotional over the best Pokemon starter ever. Everything about Charmander screams big-time cutie, from the precious little “Charmander!” call when it says its name to its adorable little fire tail. I’m much older now, but you can still get some tears out of me by showing me that clip of Charmander trying to keep its tail from going out. Charmander is on my team, but I’m fighting you before you can fight my lizard baby.

#1 – Sylveon

I think I could just drop a picture of Sylveon here and let that do the work for me. Sylveon is a Fairy-type (I still don’t know what that is), and that’s the most suitable typing I’ve ever seen in these games. I love Eevee in all its forms, but when I heard you get a Sylveon by making Eevee so happy it evolves—I died. That automatically means Sylveon wins. In my party of cute Pokemon, Sylveon will come out first and hold all of the best items. I will allow debates about the last five, but we cannot compromise on this one.

Honorable Mention – Gyarados

Just hear me out – Gyarados is cute, okay? It’s like a million-foot-long sea monster whose mouth is hanging wide open, but I have always loved Gyarados. It’s not cute in like that cuddly, furry, put you in my pocket sort of way, but more in that way of oh my god you’re so goofy you’re adorable—bonus points for the Red one.

Next: I Wish More Pokemon Cities Were Like Goldenrod

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Andrea Shearon is a news editor at TheGamer who loves RPGs and anything horror related. Find her on Twitter via @Maajora.

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